I'm just so thankful right now, because I feel like God's given me this weird burst of *hutzpa* to do things that I would normally be timid and afraid of doing in public. Things like softball, playing ultimate frisbee with my colleagues, choosing to NOT go to a chinese church, and making a commitment to visit my grandparents weekly.

The thing is, i don't know my grandparents at all. And i have a lot of preconceived notions of who they are, who they were, and what kind of relationship i should have with them.

There are walls that are so high that you forget what was on the other side. There are walls that were built so long ago that you forget why they were erected in the first place.

My grandpa had a stroke about 10 years ago, and it dehabilitated his memory. Since then, he's deteriorated into someone who no longer lives but is still alive. I look into his eyes, searching for something of myself in there...seeing if maybe there's a part of him in me, if i inherited his nose or feet (Lord knows I didn't get his height). And it just breaks my heart to have him stare back at me blankly. I hugged my grandpa last saturday, and it was probably one of the more awkward moments in my life. I fed him, and I pat his back. It's like standing before the secret garden, without a key and not being able to get past those high, high gates.

I wonder what's inside. I wonder if I'll ever find out.