This is what i do when i'm bored...

Last night i had a good conversation with someone i think God intended me to speak to. You know how there are those people in our lives that we don't talk to regularly, but every once and again we catch up on our lives...and God just uses them to slap some sense into us.

I've been very impatient about pursuing my dream of going to grad school, and doing what i really want to do in life: public policy. I think it's because i'm scared that if i don't jump NOW, the opportunity will disappear in a puff of grey smoke. *poof* There goes my dream, and i'm left with a cubicle job wanting to pound the printer in a field like gangsters (allusion courtesy of "Office Space"...mmkay?) ...and that scares the living daylights out of me. That somehow i will wake up a 35 year old, frumpy girl who lives alone with lots of cats (or fish), and still lives in a cubicle, only now it has a shower door (aren't corporate promotions great). *sigh*

But my friend said something profound. First, he slapped sense into me by saying, "BE PATIENT." Next, he said that if the cloud of smoke poofs like i'm afraid it will, then "i didn't want it that bad anyways." So i guess it's a test of time, the clock is ticking and i just have to bide my time until i can pay my dues to the accounting profession, and have faith that God has it all under control. *breathe*

The kicker is that i know God wants me in accounting. So do my parents. So that's the two biggest influences in my life going for something i'm kicking and screaming inside to...and i feel like just running away, cutting ties from it all and - i don't know - joining a gang (asian triad maybe?) or something rebellious...like buying a motorcycle and becoming a fisherman - i mean, WOman. But that's no way to deal with things...and somehow i have to make that petulant child inside me, who has her heart set on this one thing, to GET OVER IT.

No more complaining. No matter how sad, scared, depressed, or downright suicidal i get, i think i'll have to institute the Friends' "jar in the freezer" thing...where i write down my frustrations on a piece of paper, crumple it up into a ball, and put it in a jar in the freezer.

So anyways, you must be wondering what's up with that link at the top of this post. It's a 2 year MPA program at London School of Economies, but it's a dual program, so i spend one year in London and then switch to do my second year in Columbia. Guess what...the program is extremely competitive, and it costs an arm, a leg, and TWO fingers (source: blackmarket for human appendages on hengseng stock exchange). *sigh* It's good to dream sometimes...even when reality is banging down the door, coming to get me in iron-cast chains and throw me into a 2x4 for life...oh right - i'm being melodramatic again, sorry.

Surrender

I'm giving you my heart
and all that's within
i'm laying it all down
for the sake of you my king

I'm giving you my dreams
i'm laying down my right
i give you all my heart
for the promise of new life

And i surrender...
all to you, all to you.